Author Topic: Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late  (Read 88 times)

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Offline Skytja

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Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late
« on: June 19, 2017, 10:53:45 AM »
Hi all.

Some of you know my situation.  Many don't.  Yesterday was a particularly rough day for me, so I figured I would let the rest of you know.

I'm 43, a Navy vet.  I was diagnosed with 'manic depression' at 13.  I was medicated for a bit less than a year, but when the insurance in the '80s ran-out, I was miraculously pronounced 'cured'.  I've been unmedicated since.  The DSM currently places me under a sub-heading of 'bipolar disorder'.  I'm a strong believer in doing something rather than taking something.  In a particularly bad manic phase, I disassembled not one, but both of my motorcycles.  They've been disassembled since, since I'm really not mechanically inclined enough to put them back together.  (1978 Yamaha XS650, and a 1981 Honda CBX (1050), for the curious.)  I was recently diagnosed with EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, "probably" type 3.  Xrays and MRI ruled-out arthritis/bursitis.) which explains the many dislocations and hyper-extensions of shoulders, elbows, hips, and knees, not to mention sprains and strains over the years.  It was one of the main reasons I left the service.  Hard to pass a PRT run when one or both hips partially dislocate after a maximum of a quarter of a mile (400 meters).

The root of my crankiness and apathy is that last March, my in-laws moved into my home.  He was in end-stage Congestive Heart Failure after a botched implantation of a Dual-Stage Pacemaker (Defibrillator plus the Pacemaker itself.).  The Defibrillator was not actually installed, but the leads for it were, and were left loose in his chest.

In August, he was fitted with an LVAD (Left-Ventricular Assist Device).  Basically a semi-new type of heart pump that fits in the abdomen and sucks blood out of the heart to let the heart basically go through the motions of pumping.  We were told that he could live for days, weeks, and possibly months if his heart were to fail completely.  Depending on whether the valves in his heart sieze closed or something like that.  I don't know how much I trust the doctors that told us that.  During the implantation, however, his brain was deprived of oxygen for an extended period, **and** he most likely 'threw a series of micro-clots'.  When he woke from the medically induced coma, which he was never in despite the doctors telling us he was, we thought he was on some serious drugs.  The nurse checked his chart, and told us he was on Tylenol.  He was in an altered, agitated, juvenile state.

That state lasted until January of this year.  He partially recovered somewhat.  At that point, I figured-out that his short-term memory was shot.  Due to working security, and being hyper-vigilant of 'the crazies' both external (Hi, ex-wife!) and internal (Hi manic depression!), I noticed the memory issues.  They affected his long-term memories in that he could remember things happening decades ago, but details would change.  His father and son were Army through-and-through (hoo-ah!).  But when he reminisced about them, they were suddenly Navy vets. (insert non-existent service grunt here)  He was mixing-up my service with theirs.

This confusion continued into all aspects of his life.  He could eat crab, but not know what he was eating until told.  When told, he would love it.  20 to 30 seconds later, he would hate the chicken or steak he's (not) eating because it tasted funny.  He still has a hard time telling if he's awake or asleep.  His blindness plays a role in that, I think.  He has discussions with me and other people that aren't there.  Or he remembers a discussion we had years before as something we just talked about seconds ago.  Around the end of April, he either cleared a clot or something, because he became more lucid, literally overnight.  He's still broken, though.  Just more lucid.

Who was he?  He **was** an Ivy-League graduate with a Masters.  Worked in Mental Health for 51 years, up until March 01 of last year when he left his retirement party and moved-in with us.

Yesterday, he was in a down-cycle.  He was talking about getting back to work soon, and giving my mother-in-law the retirement she deserves in 5 or 10 years.

Remember the terminal prostate cancer?  His urologist estimates that he has a year or year and change left, given his PSA numbers.  He can't work again.  The only thing he could do would be LCSW, LCAP, and a number of other alphabets after his name.  Only, he can't.  When you can confuse a man with "Hey, did you know that 4 is a four-letter-word?"  Or send him into a rage by saying that "Hey, did you know that 5 is a four-letter-word, too?" . . . I don't think any place would hire you.

He's obsessed with religion.  Or more to the point, 'blaspheming'.  Saying 'Ow, sh*t!' is somehow blasphemy, but 'F**k! Je*us F*****g Ch**st Alm***ty!"  when a chair squaks on the tile scares him isn't.

Anyway, yesterday was rough.  I had to keep him from pulling the control cord (embedded in his abdomen) out several times, and explain what it was, and what it was for.  I had to tell him it's sunday, and he's retired, and can never work again to him when he was yelling at his wife, demanding she take him to work so he won't be late, several times.  I had to explain to him that his urologist said he has a year and a half, at the outside, to live, about five times when he was trying to get his wife to withdraw ten-thousand dollars from their bank account to "Handle financial matters." that he couldn't even say what a single matter was.  Or when he was accusing her of lying to him about it being the end of June 2017, or that it was Father's Day, or that he didn't need to go to the bathroom because he already went a half-dozen times already, when he hadn't, and a few minutes later, soiled himself because he couldn't remember what the sensation of needing to go actually meant.

Sorry to the guys in group that I was 'short' with.  I'm doing a little better today.  It's 1138 am (local time), and he just woke-up for breakfast.  He seems better, so hopefully that means I'll have a better day.

Oh.  The EDS thing.  It's an inherited genetic disorder.  It's a degenerative condition affecting collagen, cartilage, tendons and ligaments.  The main symptoms are pain.  It is commonly mis-diagnosed as Arthritis or Fibro-Myalgia.  The pain can be excruciatingly intense.  For perspective, I broke my left arm.  Endo on a bicycle while riding home from work.  Handlebar caught my left thumb, and torqued it around.  I endoed, landed on it hyperextended, split the bone from the elbow-cup to about three inches above my wrist.  With the broken arm, I fixed my bike that night, rode it to work and back (about 15 miles one-way) for the next week, did house-work, etcetera.  That's without a cast, and with me thinking that it was "just sore".  My wife (girlfriend at the time) made me go to the doctor, where x-rays showed the break.  With a broken arm being *sore*, that might give a little perspective of the amount of pain I'm in on an average day.  When talking to doctors, they have the 1-10 scale for pain.  I usually tell them that I can't say based-on the scale.  If my average day is a 1, I would rate a broken arm out of a cast and using it as a 3 or 3.5.  I was shot in the leg (last time I went hunting) at 12 or 13 by my cousin.  It was only a .22lr, but it felt like a bee-sting, and I never told my parents because I didn't want a beating.  (Bullet went through.  It never showed-up on an x-ray later.)  (Oh, and I was shot because one of us hit the deer.  We found it.  I picked it up.  He saw the dear, thought it was standing, and shot at it while I was trying to fireman's carry it.  I saw Errol Flynn do it in Robin Hood, so I figured that was how you were supposed to do it.)

Hey, you have to be able to laugh at yourself.  Anyway, that's my life.

Offline desdoom

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Re: Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2017, 12:24:16 PM »
 sorry too hear about you and your dad if you need somebody too talk too my door is open

Offline Dubious Squirrel

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Re: Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2017, 08:01:48 AM »
Fuck, mate. I wish I lived close enough to come over and lend you a hand. I would. Or at least knock on your door and take the piss out of you ;)

I was aware of some of it but it sounds like things are rough atm. Just know that while we're not there with you, we're none the less on your side. And no one is mad at you for feeling cranky, brother.

Offline Skytja

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Re: Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2017, 01:04:53 PM »
Thanks, Desdoom, Dubious.  I didn't think anyone was mad yet, but I figured I'd explain *why* I'm surly/cranky at times, and sometimes have to disappear without notice.  I didn't want the general opinion to be that I'm "that guy".  (replace 'guy' with whatever nsfw descriptor you choose.)

Offline Leucippus_K

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Re: Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2017, 12:04:33 AM »
you are actually a pleasant person to be around :D

Offline Dubious Squirrel

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Re: Concerning my crankiness and apathy of late
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2017, 08:36:37 AM »
I wouldn't go that far...